


State of Mind

by helloearthlings



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Established Relationship, Fluff, Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Light Angst, M/M, Modern Era, Small Towns
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-02
Updated: 2017-07-02
Packaged: 2018-11-22 05:42:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,905
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11373750
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/helloearthlings/pseuds/helloearthlings
Summary: “It’s not – not like I was the victim of some hate crime, or dealt with crushing homophobic actions and language on a daily basis. Ealdor’s a nice community. We don’t like trouble. We don’t like airing our opinions in public. But…but that doesn’t mean that the entire town isn’t an implication. An implication that it's better to die than to live as anything but a good Christian boy with a docile housewife to bear you a  gaggle of tiny, church-going kids.”“And you have me,” Arthur bit his lip, a sad smile, an undercurrent of insecurity. Merlin wished he could wipe it away.





	State of Mind

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, so...probably the most my-gay-experience thing I've ever written, so I automatically feel cringey about it. There really isn't any warnings other than homophobia, I don't even dig into homophobic language - which isn't just me avoiding something I don't want to write, it's literally based on my hometown. So before anyone tells me that it's unrealistic....uh, don't? 
> 
> Anyway, I never really see fics that deal specifically with how fucking shitty small towns can be when it comes to...well, Things in General, but Gay Things in particular. It seems to be that any fic dealing with homophobia in the Merlin fandom is either internalized homophobia or Uther-related homophobia which, while both totally valid, ignores the very canon fact of Merlin's small town upbringing. And I've been thinking A Lot about the Gay Experience as it pertains to being from a town of less than a thousand people in conservative-topia this pride month after seeing pride stuff adorn NYC when I visited. So this is a bit of a jump-off from the kinds of discourse-y ideas I've been thinking about recently because I have to experience everything through a filter.
> 
> Anyway, sorry for rambling, I hope you like the fic and that the cute outweighs the shitty people.

_William Jameson and Jane Caldera_

_request the honor of your presence_

_at the joining of their hands in marriage_

_on Saturday the Nineteenth of May_

_at two o’clock in the afternoon_

_First Church of Christ_

_90 Main Street_

_Ealdor_

The letter, made of thick, sturdy material overlaid by a frighteningly eye-popping pink lace, was slid under his nose as Merlin sat, unwittingly, trying to finish reading the latest collection of David Sedaris essays.

Merlin, who had been feeling pretty decent about the state of life up until that point, suddenly felt a gnawing, age-old insecurity in his stomach that he thought he chased out years ago.

“That’s your friend, Will, isn’t it? The one your mum talks about?”

Merlin looked up at Arthur, boyfriend extraordinaire and the harbinger of this uncomfortable fate, who, to his credit, looked a little nervous at the prospect of this conversation as well instead of his usual annoying smugness.

“Yeah, that’s Will,” Merlin out a deep breath, and followed it up with a shaky wolf-whistle. “So he and Jane are finally tying the knot – high school sweethearts, been together since they were sixteen.”

“So you know them _both_ ,” Arthur said, and now Merlin could feel his usual arrogance permeating the apartment. “Are you going to go?”

Merlin suddenly felt very itchy, and too big for his own skin. He tried to shrug casually. “I don’t know – Will and I kind of drifted apart when I left Ealdor – we don’t talk much. I’m sure Mum will want me to go.”

“ _I_ think you should go,” Arthur stated, or rather proclaimed, and Merlin wished Arthur would sit down next to him instead of stare down, as it felt too much like a confrontation. It wasn’t. Well, maybe a little. It didn’t need to be.

“Okay, I will,” Merlin said, standing up to circumvent the problem, letting the invitation flutter to the ground as he did. Heart pounding more than necessary, especially for a grown man, he added “…You can come with me. If you want.”

Merlin wasn’t really sure how he wanted or expected Arthur to respond, but the softening of his boyfriend’s features threw him for a loop.

“I know you know that I notice…that your mum always comes to visit us. And not the other way around,” Arthur said softly, his eyes suddenly not meeting Merlin’s, and dammit, Merlin hated disappointing Arthur.

“Hey,” Merlin said, a bit awkwardly, moving to cup Arthur’s cheek. “It’s nothing to do with you. You know that, right?”

Arthur nodded, his smugness evaporated now, and Merlin partly wished it was back, that way he could be annoyed at the pushing and not feel a rush of sympathy for the awkward position that he put Arthur in in regards to his hometown.

“You – you gave me all kinds of time when it came to my father,” Arthur said after a moment, his voice several tones quieter than usual. “I know it’s not easy. I just – I just wish you’d talk about it, at least? I mean, _usually_ it’s hard to get you to shut up, but…”

The teasing edge lasted only a moment, Arthur trailing off uncertainly instead. Merlin liked it when Arthur was quiet, when he wanted to talk about things that mattered, when his bravado melted away into vulnerability, but right now, today, Will, Ealdor –

Merlin owed Arthur the long-overdue explanation. After two and a half years together, he deserved to hear at least the watered-down version. But as much as Merlin loved talking about his mum, his uncles, university, his job, politics, life’s biggest questions, talking as a general concept – it was most difficult to talk about this.

“It’s not like it was that bad,” Merlin said quietly after a moment, forcing the words out of his mouth. “You’re just going to think I’m blowing things out of proportion.”

“I’m not,” Arthur said, the beginnings of a real smile that showed off his crooked teeth shone through.

“Make me some tea,” Merlin reached forward to curl a loose strand of hair behind Arthur’s ear. “And I’ll…give you the abridged version.”

The tea kittle whistling behind them in their small cramped kitchen, the quiet sounds of the apartment they’d shared for the past eight months creaking around them, Merlin reminded himself that this was a good thing, opening up, letting Arthur in, talking about his not-trauma but not quite not-not-trauma.

“It’s…different, living in a small town,” Merlin stared at the pasty, non-refinished brown wood of the table, scratches from years of use prominent. “Everyone knows everyone – when I was a teenager, I could go into any business in town and someone would recognize me and ask about how the tennis team was doing or if my mum had gotten her knee surgery yet, even if I couldn’t tell you what their name was.”

Arthur breathed out through his nose, nearly a laugh. “So…not like London.”

“I don’t expect you to get it, not entirely,” Merlin chanced a sympathetic smile up at Arthur. “You’ve lived here your whole life. And I know you had all of that shit with your dad, but you’ve always lived in a place where different ideas or ways of life were….allowed to exist, at the very least. There were different options around you, even if your father tried to make you think they weren’t there. Ealdor’s…not like that, to say the least.”

Merlin sighed deeply. "It’s not – not like I was the victim of some hate crime, or dealt with crushing homophobic actions and language on a daily basis. Ealdor’s a nice community. We don’t like trouble. We don’t like airing our opinions in public. But…but that doesn’t mean that the entire town isn’t an implication. An implication that it's better to die than to live as anything but a good Christian boy with a docile housewife to bear you a gaggle of tiny, church-going kids.”

“And you have me,” Arthur bit his lip, a sad smile, an undercurrent of insecurity. Merlin wished he could wipe it away.

“I love you,” Merlin said immediately, the easiest thing he’d said all night. “I wouldn’t want my life any other way. I just – spent my whole life hearing ‘hate the sin, love the sinner’ on constant repeat, out loud or otherwise. And Ealdor – it’s never going to change. I know that.”

“You…don’t _know_ ,” Arthur offered up a half-smile, hopeful but realistic at the same time. “I mean, my father’s changed. A little. He has dinner with us every month. He talks to you about tennis. He sent us flowers for Pride.”

“Well, his secretary did,” Merlin felt the need to point out, and Arthur laughed at the admission.

“But with his permission,” Arthur pointed out right back, a bit of the smug back in his features. “I’m just saying – maybe the town won’t change, but what about…what about Will? Or your other friends? Do they – even know about me?” Arthur’s smile faded away to a look of seriousness.

Merlin’s eyes hit the floor guiltily. “I don’t – I’ve never lied. Not back then, not now. I wasn’t out in school, but if anyone would’ve asked directly, I would’ve told them. I just didn’t date and used a lot of gender neutral pronouns. And Will and I have only talked a few times since we started dating. He knows your name, at the very least. We really did just…fall out of touch. Will is Ealdor’s model citizen, follows their mold down to the letter. We just didn’t have that much in common anymore, sexuality aside.”

Merlin didn’t look up, but he shifted his hand to brush against Arthur’s slightly. “Being gay…wasn’t a thing in Ealdor. I mean, it was, but only if you had a limp wrist and wore skinny jeans with glitter on them. Fit the stereotype to the tee, no way to hide it. There were a couple of blokes like that. And that wasn’t me – I mean, I hate glitter. It gets everywhere.”

He tried to grin a little. Arthur moved his hand to push against Merlin’s, a show that he appreciated the joke.

“I’ll take you to the wedding,” Merlin laced their fingers together, eyes still on the floor. “I really will. Mum will be pleased that we’re coming to visit. I just – it’s going to be kind of hard for me, okay? I haven’t gone back in years. I spent every day I was there wishing I was here – I mean, having a life of my own, in a more accepting place. But also...here with you. I mean, not that I knew you then. I just –”

“You’re rambling,” Arthur ducked his head to press a kiss against Merlin’s hand, and a shiver ran up his spine. “I’m not gonna make you go. We can just go to dinner with my father instead.”

“There’s a tennis match that weekend,” Merlin grumbled, finally looking at Arthur, but rather choosing to mock-glare at him. “Your father thinks he knows tennis, but your father is wrong.”

“Maybe he’ll give us another pride card – this one with lots of glitter,” Arthur said somberly without twitching. “After all, glitter the defining characteristic of all of the gays, didn’t you hear?”

Merlin couldn’t help but laugh, but gripped Arthur’s hand tighter. “My sixteen year old self would kick me if I didn’t go to Will’s wedding,” he decided after a moment’s quiet.

“Just – go in having low expectations, okay? Because I can already tell you what’s going to happen. Will is going to try to pretend he’s okay with this and fail miserably and end up asking us who’s the woman in the relationship. His new bride is going to laugh that awful, awkward high-pitched squeeing noise she’s done since she was six like he just told the funniest joke in existence. My high school teachers are going to say that it’s so sad that a young up and comer like me is wasting my life on such an odd lifestyle choice. The little old church ladies are going to tell me that God loves me not matter what, but we all must repent for our wrong-doings. My mum is going to get very angry and yell at them and embarrass us both. Will is going to get drunk and accuse us of stealing away attention from his big day. He’ll call me a week later to apologize but he’ll still tell me that he hates you.”

“Oh,” Arthur turned a bit pale.

“Not because you’re gay,” Merlin bit his lip to contain laughter. “Because you’re posh. Will hates posh people. He’s also the model for working-class anger.”

“Thought that was you,” Arthur’s toe nudged Merlin’s, a smile back on his face.

“Well, we _were_ friends for a reason, yeah?” Merlin locked their legs together. “Look – I’ve given Ealdor a really bad name tonight, but it’s actually a good little town. They have their issues. They might never improve. But…I’ve always wanted to take you there, you know? Show you where I went to school. Take you to the coffee shop I worked at. Introduce you to my uncle Gaius. We can do all that, too – it’s not all going to be bad.”

“I’m glad you told me,” Arthur said. “And I’m glad we’re going, too – no matter how awful it is, it’s – it’s a part of you, yeah? And…and you’re so good with all of my questionable parts, my baggage, my…well, my general personality.”

“I love your general personality, as long as you’re not being annoying,” Merlin hummed, happy to settle back into a routine of banter.

“You always think I’m annoying,” Arthur half-accused, but instead starting tugging on Merlin’s hand, asking him to come closer.

Merlin obliged, standing and crossing the table to pull Arthur’s head to his chest, fingers carding lightly through Arthur’s shower-soft hair.

“Thanks for making me tell you,” Merlin muttered to the top of Arthur’s head. “I feel better. I feel – good about this. Maybe not going to Ealdor, but about us. And our always-improving communication skills. One of these days, maybe we can actually have a semi-serious discussion about getting a joint bank account.”

“The horror,” Arthur said into Merlin’s t-shirt, and Merlin laughed and wondered if his sixteen year old self knew how lucky he was going to get someday.

* * *

 

“Merlin, mate! So glad you could make it!” Will greeted Merlin at the reception with a bear-hug all too typical of their youth. It really was nice to see him, though, and clearly so overjoyed on his wedding day. “Damn, you’ve cleaned up since our school days! Don’t you work in some high rise somewhere?”

“You know where I work, Will,” Merlin laughed him off, clapping his shoulder. “Still a non-profit. Still haven’t sold my soul to corporate.”

“Just checking,” Will winked at him exaggeratedly. “You remember Jane, right?”

“We only went to school together for twelve years,” Jane rolled her eyes in Will’s direction, leaning in to hug Merlin as well. “So glad you could make it.”

“Me too,” Merlin said, and feeling Arthur’s presence next to him, heart beating too quickly, added, “Oh, and uh – this is my – my guest, Arthur.” He forced himself to correct his statement. “My boyfriend, Arthur.”

Will’s face froze, his eyes widening ever-so-slightly. Jane’s smile went from soft and meaningful to wide and forced.

Then Jane began to laugh, a squeeing sound that had occupied the halls of Ealdor High for four long, high-pitched years.

“Well, I should’ve known,” Jane gushed, using a voice that Merlin associated with people talking to tiny children or newborn puppies. “I mean, you always look at my eyes when I talk and not my tits!”

She starting squeeing again and Will added his own booming, over exaggerated laughter to the truly awful cacophony of sounds. Merlin automatically stepped closer to Arthur, but didn’t quite reach out to touch, too nervous for that.

“Well, good on you, mate!” Will looked like he was going to reach out his hand but let it fall flat at the last moment. “Uh, Arthur was it?”

Again, Will tried and failed to extend his hand.

“Yeah,” Arthur said, smiling awkwardly, shoulder purposefully brushing against Merlin’s own. “Uh, congratulations, Will. Jane. Charmed to meet you both.”

“Oh, and he’s got a posh accent, too!” Will faked enthusiasm like an amateur. “Boy, you’ve changed since our school days, Merlin. Going out with a poncy…boy. Never would’ve guessed you for a –”

He quickly cut himself off. Merlin filled in for him. “I guess you just weren’t too perceptive back in the day, Will.”

Will guffawed. “Ha! I mean, that’s the truth. I couldn’t even tell you if you were the boy or the girl.”

Merlin clamped his jaw to keep from saying something, and purposefully stepped on Arthur’s foot to stop him.

* * *

 

“Ah, so you have a…a boyfriend now,” Mr. Monmouth blinked a few times, presumably checking to see if he heard it correctly, or checking to see if there was some slim girl hiding behind Arthur, waiting to pop out. “Does that interfere with your career trajectory? You were always so smart, I’d hate to think –”

“London and Ealdor are very different places,” Merlin reminded his former history teacher not too sharply. “And Arthur here is the VP at Pendragon Pharmaceuticals, so I’d say his career trajectory is soaring despite the obvious surface flaw of his sexuality.”

“You’re adding fuel to the fire,” Arthur muttered when Mr. Monmouth finished questioning Arthur about the details of his father’s company.

“They understand passive-aggressive sarcasm,” Merlin muttered back. “It’s what small towns operate on. That, gossip, and being as judgmental as they can. The Holy Trinity, if you will.”

As if summoned by the words ‘Holy Trinity’, Ms. Cook, the minister’s wife, came up to their table with a clucking tongue, peering over Merlin’s shoulder to see if the rumor she heard really was true, that Merlin Emrys had brought a _boy_ home.

“Oh, dear,” Ms. Cook deflated when she caught sight of Arthur. “Oh, Merlin, you’ve been away for too long.”

 _Not long enough,_ Merlin fought the urge to say, instead forcing a smile. “Ms. Cook, lovely to see you again. I trust you’ve heard the news?”

 “What news, dear?” Ms. Cook smiled patronizingly down at him.

“Well, it’s Pride month in two weeks and the powers that be have decided that the parade’s going to come right through the town square of Ealdor! Exciting, isn’t it?”

Merlin grinned winningly up at her. He heard Arthur exhale shakily from beside him, trying not to laugh. Ms. Cook’s smile became very fixed.

“Well, dear, I’m not one to judge,” she patted his shoulder, but quickly, trying to get the physical contact over with, presumably. “I’ll leave that to God. But you really should consider your words before you speak. And your actions before you commit them.”

“I’m sorry, what did you just say to my son?”

Hunith Emrys, famous for her homemade rhubarb tort and for yelling at people who insulted said rhubarb tort and her only son, stopped short before sitting down next to Arthur, presumably to tell him that he was her favorite son for the third time that evening.

“Oh, Hunith,” Ms. Cook smiled much more benignly over at the fiery ball of rage Merlin’s mother was fast becoming. “I was just extolling Merlin here on the virtues of –”

“If you think,” Hunith began hotly, “that I’m going to tolerate one iota – _one iota_ – of bullshit from you today, Patrice, then you are _wrong_!”

“Friendly reminder that I love you very much,” Merlin muttered to Arthur, squeezing his hand. “Please never leave me.”

“Your mum is terrifying,” Arthur whispered back, but his eyes were serious as rubbed a finger over Merlin’s knuckles. “Don’t worry – anyone who sits through tennis matches with my father and listens to him say that all a man needs is a good woman to set him straight – pun unintended – has a gold star for life.”

Merlin laughed despite himself. “I’m sorry for this. I’d rather drown in a boatload of glitter than sit through one more minute of this, but unfortunately, Mum is our ride, and she won’t finish chewing Ms. Cook out for another twenty minutes, at least.”

About midway through Hunith’s rather long-winded rant – “ _You’re_ one to talk about judgment, Patrice!” – Will stumbled toward their table, bride-less this time, and on his way to being nice and hammered.

“You fuckin’,” Will slurred, red eyes regarding Merlin with a glare. “My wedding day, and all anyone can fuckin’ talk about is you. Couldn’t have saved this shit for Brian’s wedding, huh? Fuckin’….Merlin. Merlin and his _boyfriend_ ,” he sneered and Merlin held Arthur’s hand even more tightly. “Some posh, rich nancy from London. Bet you’s a real dickhead. Never done a hard day’s work in your life, you fuckin’ prick. Never…fuckin’…where’s Jane? Gotta find Jane.”

Will stumbled off again and Merlin pressed his lips quick enough to be a flash against Arthur’s.

“Thanks for coming with me,” Merlin said, nudging Arthur’s nose with his own. “I’ll never complain about tennis or glitter or Uther Pendragon ever again.”

“You’ll complain about him tomorrow,” Arthur said very nearly fondly. “But now when you complain about him, I’ll just complain about Will, and we’ll be even. How’s that sound?”

“Perfect,” Merlin grinned, because as terrible as the night had been, all of the wounds were on the surface. He and Arthur were fine. Good. Perfect.

* * *

 

Four days after he and Arthur returned to London, Merlin’s phone buzzed with a call from Will.

He’d been guessing at least six days, so at least his predictions had been off about one thing.

Merlin braced himself before answering, “…Hey, Will. What’s up?”

The other line was silent for a moment, and Merlin winced internally at the awkward not-quite-apology that was sure to come next.

“Hey, mate,” Will’s voice crackled, and he really did sound apologetic, so at least he had the genuine approach down this time. “I…uh, I just wanted to say that I was sorry for some of the things I said last weekend.”

“….I’m sorry for springing it on you.” Merlin hated himself for apologizing like he had done something wrong, but he really did feel bad – it was Will’s wedding. It should’ve been a purely blissful occasion for him, not tangled up with their complicated friendship. “I should’ve…ah, told my mum to spread the news around town first so that it would’ve been old gossip by the time I got there.”

“I’m the one apologizing here, mate,” Will chuckled weakly. “You always were too nice for your own damn good, though. I – I’m sorry I never figured it out before. Guess I was a pretty shit friend.”

“You were a good friend,” Merlin corrected, because he had been. He hadn’t always understood Merlin, hadn’t always tried to, but they’d had fun times together over the years. They’d known each other since birth.

“Anyway, tell your….boyfriend…that I’m sorry for being a dick,” Will said a bit bracingly, and Merlin prepared himself for a slew of working class anger, but then Will said “I liked him, though.”

Merlin stopped short, pressing the phone closer to his ear, thinking he’d heard Will wrong. “Sorry – you what?”

“I liked him,” Will repeated. “I mean, I know next to nothing about him, but…I saw the two of you that night. Whispering, holding hands, smiling. Reminded me of Jane and the rest of our friends that are tying the knot. It’s really not all that much different, when it comes down to it, I suppose. He makes you happy – I could tell that. And that’s the important thing, right?”

“Right,” Merlin blinked, a little amazed at the admission he never thought he’d hear. “Thanks…thanks for saying that, Will. You don’t know how much it means to me.”

“Just don’t tell Ms. Cook I said anything, alright?” Will laughed nervously, but the sentiment was real – Ms. Cook wouldn’t take well to sympathizers with the sodomizers. “I, uh – hope you come back and visit sometime again. Maybe Jane and I’ll take a belated honeymoon to London and we could have dinner sometime.”

“I’d like that,” Merlin said honestly, never imagining he’d be having this conversation. “I’ll see you later, Will.”

Merlin walked home from his office that day in a daze, not quite believing that the phone call wasn’t some misplaced dream or fantasy. Surely Will hadn’t said those things, had he? _Will_?

“Hey,” Arthur laughed when Merlin greeted him that evening with an enthusiastic kiss. “What’s going on?”

“I guess you were right,” Merlin said, and recounted the story of his phone call. Arthur’s face split into a gigantic grin.

“I knew it! I told you that people can change,” Arthur hugged him tightly, smiling into his shoulder. “If my father can do it, anyone can.”

“Well, one person can change,” Merlin admitted. “A little bit. I don’t know if _people_ can change. Or if a town can change. But a little change is more than I ever hoped I’d get.”

“Well, we’ll just have to go back there and sway some more people’s opinions,” Arthur said, and the worst part was that he sounded almost enthusiastic about the idea.

Merlin didn’t mind, though. He felt more than a little enthusiasm himself.


End file.
